What have you been putting off doing? Why?

Starting this blog was supposed to be a way I could do something positive, with the lessons I’ve learned in my 58 yrs on this Earth. Through a childhood spent in Arkansas- where the air in the summer was scented with honeysuckle and freshly mown grass- I grew up the eighth of my parents’ ten children (5girls, 5boys); in the same 3 bedroom house that my folks lived in, for nearly 60 years.

Leaving home at 19, I traveled across the country to California; where, in the beginning, the culture shock and the swarms of people were so overwhelming, it was  nearly crippling. I spent time living on the street in Hollywood, before moving to the mountains in the San Bernardino National Forest. I married my best friend and we had a son…and 10 years after we said our “I Do’s”, we got divorced. When I realized we were headed in that direction, I was devastated-though it would probably surprise folks to know that. It was mostly my fault that things fell apart, so I pretty much kept my true feelings hidden…and numbed by drugs and alcohol.

Then, I met a man named Christian, who completely mesmerized me and I soon began to believe, very strongly, that we were destined to meet; and was, repeatedly faced with facts that I saw as Signs that reaffirmed my beliefs that we were destined for one another.  We had an intense, obsessive kind of love and could not get enough of each other. He was the most gorgeous, talented, intelligent man I’d ever met; and watching him build our home (no blueprints)…by himself…  using the winch on the truck he built himself, to lift the trusses and put the in place…wow. Even running the electrical & installing all the plumbing  just out of his head…it was so impressive and madly, incredibly sexy. *Sigh*

When a surprise pregnancy (I’d been told I couldn’t get pregnant again), changed the situation and I started seeing doubts clouding his beautiful eyes…I believed it would be remedied when I got a big car accident settlement and didn’t take my money and run. He was surprised and, it seemed, reassured when I invested money in getting vehicles for us both & buying equipment  and supplies, so he could start his own welding & fabrication business. Things were back on track. Our baby boy was born a few weeks early(he was a perfect, beautiful baby boy & I believe, he was getting bored in my belly & wanted out). His two big brothers, each his half brother, thought it was cool that this new baby, connected us all as a family & made them brothers. We were on track and headed for what could have been a great future. Should have been great.

When an horrific incident ripped us apart, and flung us in all different directions…things would never be the same. I won’t go into the details of what happened…that’s a different blog, for a different day. But, suffice it to say, it was tragic and I had years of surgeries and we All had years of therapy and healing, ahead of us.

Now, 20 yrs later…our kids are grown and Christian and I live in different parts of the country. I’ve now been the sole caregiver to our son, who linked us all together. He’d been diagnosed with autism, shortly after our family was destroyed and I’ve devoted the past 20 years to advocating for his needs and doing my best to help him navigate a world that has- on many occasions -been unkind and even violent and dangerous. It’s taken every ounce of willpower I have, to keep myself from causing severe harm to those who’ve hurt my child, scared my child, and neglected their duties to his care and education on a big scale. Now, my youngest son and I live together in a small 1 bedroom apt, where I sleep on a bean bag in the living room, as he is a growing boy who needs his own space and privacy & therefore has the bedroom to himself.

He’s a charming, silly, sweet hearted, huggable, creative, talented genius; he’s now 26 yrsold, 6’2″ &  260-270 pounds…yet still so vulnerable & innocent.  His personality & his  emotional maturity are like that of a child between 6-9 yrs old (depending on the situation). Mostly, he’s chill; even when he’s creating and “playing out” a game in his head & doing sound effects & multiple/various character voices…pacing through the apartment, as he does so. He’s such a goofball (like his momma), and we have good days drawing and working on his stories.

And, sometimes…he will be triggered by past traumas that have left him (and me), with PTSD and will cause him to melt down and he can be very distructive. And violent….towards me & himself. As we both age, I get more concerned with the What Ifs and the Shoulda,Coulda,Woulda thinking.  I worry that I haven’t done enough, given him enough… been enough. I often feel that he got the short end of the stick, with me as a momma; and have to actively stop myself from falling too far down that rabbit hole of grief & guilt. It’s taken a LOT of work and a LOT of self introspection and the  confronting of some ugly truths about our past…to find myself in a place where I am ok with who I am and focused on where we are, in the moment.  I still have a lot of work to do and many lessons to learn. And,regardless what the world throws at us next,  I know that I want this very cool, sometimes difficult, occasionally violent, completely huggable young man to be here with me…his “silly little Momma” as he often calls me…for all time. That’s all I know, for sure, today; the rest… we’ll deal with it as it comes, together.

I’ve got many stories to tell you & I hope, many lessons to share with you.   And, from now on, I will not be so hesitant…I will not put this off. It’s a great opportunity to write about things that matter to me.

I hope I don’t let you down. ✌️😎 Peace-Out